I think I am finally coming out of the sad phase where I can talk about it without bursting into tears. I don’t really consider myself that emotional of a person (though, my friends and Mr. Pi may disagree). I wear my emotions on my sleeve, which is true, but I’m not a huge crier and while we all have our “funks” I’m not usually someone that tends toward being sad or depressed for any long stretches. The diagnosis of the DVT (and the pain that I experienced leading to the diagnosis) was a different story. I think I cried every day at some point for nearly 12 days. I also ate dark chocolate for dinner at least once, maybe twice. I think many of my tears were tears came from being scared about how this diagnosis is going to affect my life, near term and long term. For instance, I’ve been advised not to travel while in the “acute” phase, which means that awesome Caribbean vacation I’m scheduled to go on in 9 days is probably not going to happen (insert HUGE sad face). Most of the other short term issues are inconveniences but not really BIG bummers like that trip! (Wearing medical grade compression wear---so not sexy; taking medication every day for up to 6 months; taking all exercise super slow; elevating my leg when I can; taking short breaks every 30 minutes when at rest; icing to help with swelling; etc). The longer term issues are scarier, hence the tears. I’m now at a higher risk for developing another clot somewhere down the line (you better believe that when I’m out of the acute phase and have been cleared for Normatecs that I’ll be sitting in those things as much as I possibly can!). I could develop long term side effects (read: the rest of my life) from vein valve damage called, post-thrombotic syndrome which occurs in 20 – 40% of patients, symptoms include: venous ulcers (or leg sores), chronic leg swelling, chronic leg pain, varicose veins, discoloration, high blood pressure, etc. Also, IF I ever decide to get pregnant my pregnancy would be considered high risk. Whenever I’m traveling in the future I have to be mindful about getting up every 30 minutes to an hour to walk about. Like I said, I think I’m over the sad phase, I was able to write all that without crying or even tearing up but it does still weigh on me daily.
Enter the phase I am in now, I oscillate between pensiveness and anger. When I’m pensive, I’m not really sad just preoccupied, it’s more like a weight on my shoulders (mind) than anything. When I’m angry, I just want to hop on my bike or put on my running shoes (oh wait, I already wear those since I still have that pesky broken foot) and get to sweating. Sadly, my physical state is not quite ready for heavy sweating. I have been trying to walk a lot but I’m slow and am mindful not to further injure my foot! I did get on my bike (on the trainer) and spun for 30 minutes, no resistance, keeping my HR below Z1. I am also up to swimming decent yardage and can real swim instead of just pull, I even used the kick board! So, every day there are little victories but I still feel like I have a weight on my mind. I probably will for…well, maybe forever. Even if these clots go away in 3-6 months, I think I’ll always wonder if pains in my calf are a new clot.
A friend told me that once I get to the “acceptance” stage that I’ll be back to 100%. I think I’ve already accepted my condition but am not yet at peace with it. I’ve actually considered trying daily meditation—however, through yoga I discovered I always had a hard time with final savasana. I miss the meditative properties I experienced in yoga (I put my yoga membership on hold until mid-July right after I broke my foot knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to practice until then—Dr. has cleared me for yoga once my leg pain subsides and says inversions and heated yoga are all fine, she essentially said that once I feel up to running that that’s when I know I can practice yoga and try intervals on the bike, etc).
I’m not really sure how to end this post other than to say, I am lucky to have such supportive family and friends (including all you internet friends). I’m not sure how I would be coping emotionally if I didn’t have such a great support network. Thank you!